Full Moon Awakenings
by frozen moment
Summary: “Wait – Lily! I just wanted to say. Please don’t hate me?” he said in a rush.“Mmm,” she said, and it sounded noncommittal, like she meant, ‘yeah, whatever.’This is the story of how Lily finds out Remus's secret and how she reacts. T for language.
1. Chapter 1

**Full Moon Awakenings**

A/N: This story changes pace a little. I think it becomes better, faster-paced and more interesting after the first two chapters. They're not particularly long, so I'd encourage you to get through them.

I've already written this whole story, so there's no danger that I'll leave it half finished. It's about 6000 words, five chapters. I'll be posting a chapter each day, so there'll be none of those frustratingly long waits for updates. Now, onto the story!

Chapter One

_It's full moon again._

Lily Evans gasped and sat up in bed. She wiped cold sweat from her forehead and wondered what it was that had woken her. _It must have been a dream_, she thought. _I never remember my dreams._ She lay down again, sighing, and smiled as her room-mate Quan snuffled in her sleep.

_It's full moon again._

Startled, she remembered the sentence. Why had she woken up? She had heard that sentence so clearly in her mind... What was significant about full moon?

Lily lay in bed for a while longer. It was a cool night and her blankets were warm and comfortable. But she found she couldn't sleep. She wondered if the moon really was full tonight. Slowly, reluctantly, she got out of bed and her feet felt the shock of the cool floorboards as she walked across to the window. The moon gazed down at her, a single, round, glaring eye in a sea of sparkling darkness. So it was full moon. _But so what?_ Lily wondered. She shook her head at herself, shivered, and got back into bed.

She was just drifting off to sleep again, when she heard something, a hissing noise. It startled her out of the half-asleep dreamy state and she grudgingly opened one eye. "What?" she mumbled.

"Lily, are you awake?" the voice whispered.

Lily closed her eye and shook her head.

"Come on, Lily." A hand took hold of her shoulder and shook it gently.

She opened both her eyes and narrowed them at the silhouette of a person. Who was it? She couldn't quite work it out in the darkness. There was a pause, and whoever it was moved away. Lily began to drift back to sleep, but was stopped by a gasp.

"Lily, did you hear that?"

Well, at least Lily knew who it was now: she recognised the voice to be that of her friend Quan. What was she doing awake at this hour? "Hear what?" Lily hissed, annoyed. "Go back to sleep!"

"No, I'm serious. Did you hear it?"

"Hear what?!"

"That noise!" Quan hissed.

Lily did her best to groan without raising her voice above a whisper, for fear of waking her other dorm-mates. "What noise?"

"I don't know what it was. It was like a howl, or a wail, or something."

"Huh?" Lily yawned twice and sat up.

"I heard a wail, or a howl! From outside."

"Go back to sleep and snuffle, Quan. I'm sure it was nothing."

"Go back to sleep and what?" Quan asked, but Lily just giggled to herself. "Anyway," Quan continued, "it was really close, and really loud!" Quan moved over to the window and Lily saw her sillhouette gaze down at the grounds. With a small groan, Lily got up and joined her.

Lily gazed out at the moon again, and then turned to see Quan staring down at the ground, frowning, pointing. "What's that?" she whispered. Lily followed the line of her finger with her eyes. Something down there was moving.

What was it? Lily squinted, intrigued. It was hard to judge how big it would be close up, because they were so far away and her eyes weren't used to operating in the moonlight.

"What's that?" Quan repeated.

"I've no idea," Lily said. "Some kind of animal?"

"Maybe a centaur?" Quan suggested.

"Naw, they don't look like that."

"Um... what else lives in the Forbidden Forest?"

"Dunno…"

"Ooh," Quan said excitedly, giving a small shiver. "Do you think - could it be - a werewolf?"

Lily stared down at the shape that was moving around on the ground. It was possible. And - "Full moon," she murmured.

"Will you guys shut UP?" The voice sounded grumpy and tired, and Lily squeaked in surprise.

"Oh, sorry, Anna! Were we being very loud?" she said quickly, and softly so as not to disturb anyone else.

"Yes," Anna grumbled, turning over. "Now shut up and let me sleep!"

"Sorry, Anna," Lily murmured, guiltily. It was one of the rare nights that Anna had been able to get to sleep, and they had disturbed it.

Lily and Quan looked back out the window, but the moving figure was gone. They stayed there for a few moments, but they got too cold and soon retreated to bed.

---

"Lily! Wake up!"

For the second time that night, Lily was shaken awake. But when she opened her eyes, it wasn't night. The sun was warming the room and a sleepy looking Anna was standing over her bed.

"C'mon, get up."

"Why?" Lily groaned, looking at the clock on her bedside table. "It's Saturday. It's seven in the morning!"

"I know," Anna said. "And you woke me up at three in the fucking morning! Now get up and come to breakfast. I'm starved!"

Grumbling, Lily got up, but it was fair enough. When they got to the Great Hall, it was nearly empty. There were a handful of students scattered around the tables, but only one group was at the Gryffindor table. Lily scowled when she saw who it was: the Marauders. She tried to steer Anna to the other end of the table, but Anna, smirking slightly, went over and joined them.

"An-na!" Lily groaned. But Anna took no notice. Lily had no choice but to sit down with them too.

"How's it going, Lily?" Potter asked cheerfully.

"It was better before I met you," she said sourly.

"Oh!" said James, completely unfazed. "Such rudeness from such a beautiful woman!"

Lily did her best to ignore him.

"Lilykins…"

"How many fucking times do I need to tell you?! _Don't call me that!_" she spat, waving her hands in exasperation.

"Aw, leave her alone, Prongs," Remus said wearily. Lily jumped a little in surprise. She'd been trying so hard not to notice Potter she hadn't noticed Remus. Watching him now, she saw fresh scratches and wounds covering his pale face. There were large dark patches below his eyes, one of which he was massaging gently with his fingers.

"What's happened to _you?" _she asked.

"Huh? What do you mean?" Remus replied, frowning. His voice was a little hoarse.

"You're covered in scratches!" Lily exclaimed.

Remus's pale cheeks suddenly went red. "Nothing," he mumbled, lowering his head to stare at his breakfast.

Lily and Anna exchanged glances. "If nothing's happened to you, where did all those wounds come from?"

Remus swallowed, not looking up but shifting uncomfortably in his seat. Sirius cleared his throat, quickly. "Well, I'm finished eating. I say we go, now."

"You have not finished eating!" Lily interrupted, pointing to his bowl which was still half-full of cereal.

"I'm done, too," Remus mumbled, pushing his bowl away and standing up. The four boys left the hall before Lily could say anything else.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two

About a month later, Lily was asleep, and dreaming.

"_What do you want for lunch, Lily?" asked Quan, handing her a bread roll._

"_Nothing, I'm not hungry," Lily told her, putting the roll on the table next to her plate, but seconds later a hand reached out from behind her and took it. She turned; it was Potter and he was cramming it into his mouth as he walked away. _

"_Potter!" she yelled, furious, and he turned back to her. He dug his hand into his robes and pulled out a bag, and opened it and a huge grey owl flew out, coming straight towards her. She screamed and ducked, but it hooked its claws into her scalp and curled them around in her hair. She shook her head wildly to get if off but it only seemed to make it grip tighter. It felt like it was pulling her hair out. She tried to bring her hands up to hit it away, but her hands were being held down by her sides; she looked down and her mother was under the table, holding her hands with her own, only her hands had no skin, they were just bones…_

_And then she was sitting on the grass outside and it was night time and her mother was next to her, stroking her hair. There was a terrible howl and her mother screamed and her hands became bones again, gripping Lily's arms, but Lily could only stare at the sky… and this image of the moon became all she could see: blackness, speckled with shining points of light, and a bright disc glowering down at her, angrily_.

Lily jolted awake. It was dark, but the moonlight coming in through the window was strong and bright. Feeling wide awake and thirsty, Lily got out of bed. On her way to the bathroom, she glanced out the window and saw the full moon glaring into her eyes. She gave an involuntary shudder, and remembered that she had seen the moon in her dream; that was why she had woken up. She tried to remember what else was in the dream, but it had slipped away.

---

Lily slept without interruption each night until about a month later, when she woke up again. This time, she hadn't heard a phrase or seen an image, but she'd had a nagging feeling of insecurity all night. When she woke up, she found that moonlight was streaming onto her bed, and when she squinted out the window she could see the full moon. She closed the curtains.

"Funny," Lily mused at breakfast. "I woke up again last night. It's strange. I hardly ever wake up at night… except I've done it three times now, and each time it's been full moon."

"How weird," Anna said absently. She was too busy reading the Daily Prophet to be paying much attention. "Look at this, Lily. It's a guinea pig that tells the future."

"What?!" Lily took hold of the edge of the newspaper and tilted it so she could see. All thoughts of the moon evaporated instantly. She read the article, highly amused. Soon Quan joined them, and Anna waved the paper in her face.

Quan squinted sleepily, mumbling, "What the?" Lily laughed, and turned her attention back to her breakfast.

"How you doing, Lil?" It was the dreaded Potter voice, and the dreaded Potter hand on her shoulder.

"Sod off." She swiped his hand away without turning around. She could almost feel the attitude radiating off him, she knew without looking that he was rolling his eyes and grinning, and soon she would feel the tiny movement in her hair that meant he was trying to stroke it without her noticing. He was _always_ trying to touch her hair.

Yep, there it was. She reached up, took her hair in her hand and yanked it over her shoulder. "Leave me alone," she said.

When she didn't hear him move away, but he didn't try anything else, she grew suspicious. She turned to glare at him. His eyebrows flicked a little; then he walked away smirking.

Remus gave Lily an apologetic smile as he followed him. Lily smiled back – but once he'd turned away she didn't stop looking at him. Her smile turned to a frown. He was absolutely _covered _in wounds. His face was scratched and there were gashes and grazes on his hands. She wondered what had happened.

--- 

A/N: Sorry that this chapter is a little short, but the next one will be a more reasonable length and more interesting too. Thanks for reading.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three

Sitting in History of Magic, Lily couldn't focus on the class. She kept thinking about Remus's wounds. Not only that, but she had the same feeling of insecurity nagging at her from last night.

Why would she get so freaked out about the moon? It was just a lump of rock orbiting the Earth, really, so why would the fact that it appears round be at all significant? She mentally shrugged, and soon her thoughts returned to Remus.

It was nearly the end of class when it clicked. "Oh _Merlin_," Lily murmured. Her mouth opened a little, her eyes widened, and she looked frantically around the class for Remus. There he was, sitting at the side of the classroom, leaning his head against the wall next to him. His eyes were half closed but he was still paying attention – every now and then he would lean over his desk to scribble something down, before yawning and leaning against the wall again.

It was hard to believe that he was a werewolf.

_But he must be,_ Lily thought, pulling the sleeves of her jumper down into her hands. _Quan and I even_ saw_ a werewolf one night… Merlin, it was probably him._

Lily shivered and shifted in her seat. A glance at the clock told her she had five minutes left of class. She waited, and there was absolutely no way she could concentrate now.

---

Remus felt his eyes slowly close and his mind drift away from whatever it was that Binns was talking about. He really, really wanted to go to sleep. There were only five minutes of class left, after all, and surely he wouldn't miss anything vital if he just nodded off for a little bit…

_No!_ He inhaled deeply and forced his eyes open. "And in 1712, Hippoman travelled to Africa…" Binns was saying. Remus scribbled _1712 – Africa_ on his parchment, and then looked around to see how much time was left. Out of the corner of his eye he noticed Lily looking his way, and he turned his head to look at her. Their eyes met and immediately Remus winced and his eyes snapped down to his desk. "Shit," he whispered.

It was the Stare. He had seen it first on one of his childhood friends, and next on James, Peter and Sirius. Most recently, he had seen it on Snape. It was the look people gave him when they had suddenly seen him in a different way – when they had just found out that he was a werewolf.

Sirius, sitting at the desk next to him, looked at him questioningly. Remus had never been one for passing notes, but now it was the only option.

_Lily __knows!_ he wrote and slid the scrap of parchment over to Sirius.

_You mean – knows about you?? _was the scribbled reply.

_Yes._ Remus wrote back.

_WHAT?! How can she? How can you tell? _Sirius watched him anxiously.

_I can tell from the way she was looking at me before. Crap, what should I do?_

Sirius glared over at Lily, who was gazing blankly towards the front of the class. Remus saw him bite his lip. Then the bell went.

"You've got to talk to her," Sirius said as the class got up.

"What, now?" Remus asked, his voice panicky.

"Yes, now! Quick, before she leaves!" Sirius grabbed his arm and thrust him towards the door.

Remus looked back over his shoulder, his forehead wrinkled with anxiety. "But – will you – "

"No, I won't be any help. Go! You can do it, Moony!" Sirius smiled encouragingly, but through the smile Remus could tell Sirius was almost as worried as he was.

Remus swallowed and made his way out into the corridor. "Lily?" he called to her. She didn't react. He ran a few steps to catch up to her. She was walking with three other girls. "Uh, Lily? Could I, uh, talk to you for a sec?"

Lily turned but didn't stop walking. "Um, sorry, can it wait? I've got stuff to do." Her voice was distant.

"No!" Remus said. "It can't wait! Please? I need to talk to you now."

Lily stopped, and to Remus's horror, so did her friends. "Talk, then," she said coolly.

"Um." He felt heat fill his cheeks. "Uh-m, alone?" his eyes flicked around the group. He was slightly relieved to see that Lily was the only one giving him the Stare, but the others were smirking which only made him more embarrassed.

Lily pursed her lips and glanced at her friends. "Go on, Lily," said one of them, Anna. "We'll meet you in the dorm, yeah?"

Lily exhaled tersely. "Yeah, alright. See ya." Remus rubbed his hand over his forehead as the girls walked away. "So," said Lily. She had her hands on her hips, as if she was challenging him.

"Um." Remus shifted his weight from leg to leg. "Uh-m, I don't know how to say this… uh, it's just, um, you – I – I think… _shit._"

Lily just looked at him, eyebrows raised, and Remus knew he was right because normally she would be laughing.

Remus took a deep breath and tried again. "I think… you have just, um… worked out something… uh, about m-me."

Lily looked surprised. "Oh. Um, yeah, I think so."

"Right. Well. Don't, um, tell? Please? You won't tell anyone?"

Lily nodded, but her face was expressionless. "I'm right, then? Nah, I won't tell." Remus thought she had shivered a little, and he had never seen the Stare seem so hostile before. She just kept looking at him. He wanted to hide. "How did you know I knew?" she asked.

"I could tell by the way you were looking at me," he said.

"Oh," said Lily. There was a short pause. Then, "Well. Is that all?" Lily asked, and her voice was slightly more high-pitched than normal.

"Um… yes?" Remus said faintly, uncertainly, his brain spinning. He watched her walk away briskly and suddenly realised what he really wanted to ask her. "Wait – Lily!" he ran along the corridor to her. "Uh-m. I just wanted to say. Please don't hate me?" he said in a rush.

"Mmm," she said, and it sounded non-committal, like she meant, 'yeah, whatever.'

"Oh Merlin." Remus wanted to cry.

"I've gotta get going," Lily said quickly. "Bye." She walked away.

---

Lily avoided him after that.

She didn't quite know why she viewed him so differently now, but she couldn't shake off that uncomfortable feeling whenever she saw him. It was difficult for her to comprehend that the quiet, mild boy she had known for so many years was really a monster all along. Sure, it wasn't Remus's fault, but that didn't change the fact that he was a werewolf.

Remus was angry, at first. He was angry at himself for getting bitten in the first place, he was angry at Lily for being so narrow minded and making him feel so bad, and he was angry at the world for being so prejudiced. But after a couple of days, the anger was replaced with depression – he hated himself, he was ashamed of what he was.

Despite their pestering, he didn't tell his friends about it, not while he was angry, nor for several days after the depression kicked in. Eventually, however, he gave in.

"Moony, what's wrong?" James said unhappily, for the fifth time that day.

"It's nothing," Remus muttered, sinking lower into his bed. It was nearly midnight, but they were still awake because James and Peter 'just had to finish' their raucous game of Wizard Chess. They'd finished it now – Peter had won "by fluke" according to an irritated James – and were settling down to go to sleep. But Remus had not said a word all evening and James was sick of not knowing.

"If it's nothing," Peter said quietly, eyeing Remus, "then what's the big deal?"

"Moony, I think I know what this is about," Sirius said. "Please tell us." Remus hadn't said a word about what had happened with Lily after History of Magic, so he figured that it was about that. He couldn't work out if Remus wanted to keep it secret or not, so he just followed his lead of not saying anything.

"Fuck, fine, I'll tell you." Remus had been fighting them all week to keep it secret (and why was he keeping it secret? He didn't even know) and now he was just too tired to argue.

James instantly sat upright in bed, staring at Remus, worried and surprised. Remus rarely swore, and when he did, 'fuck' was usually too strong for him. Whatever this issue was, it was certainly bothering him a lot.

"Lily found out I'm a werewolf." Remus gazed at his quilt, avoiding their eyes.

"Ohhh," Peter groaned.

"How?!" James cried.

"She worked it out," said Remus.

"That's not all," stated Sirius. James looked at him sideways.

"No…" Remus sighed. "I don't think she…" he paused, unsure how to word what he was trying to say. "I don't think she likes me much anymore… well, I think she hates me." He bit his lip.

"Serious?" James yelped, appalled, while Sirius and Peter made noises of indignation and anger.

"Yeah…" Remus sighed again, deeply, and pulled his quilt up over his head.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter Four

Remus remained in his depressed state for a week.

Lily continued to avoid him. Her friends noticed she was quieter than usual, she seemed to be thinking a lot, but they didn't say anything.

James started to avoid Lily, which everyone found unusual. He was angry at her for making Remus so upset, but he couldn't stop loving her. He worried that maybe she was actually a horrible person… but he couldn't believe that, he just couldn't. He had seen her display kindness to everyone… except him, Sirius, and now Remus. So he avoided her, because he didn't know what to think.

After James hadn't spoken to her at all for five days, Lily found herself getting curious. She was enjoying it, sure, but once at breakfast when she'd asked him to pass the apricots, he just looked at her coldly and ignored her request. It was a little disconcerting. Perhaps he'd given up on her? Lily hoped so.

Sirius was angry at Lily, but he didn't avoid her. He was openly hostile towards her. He would push in front of her in lines, intentionally trip her up, or split her bag apart. Of course, she rarely let him get away with it, and often there would be a lot of heated shouting when they were in each other's company.

"What is it with you?!" Lily yelled at him one day in Potions. The potion they were making required five drops of buttercup oil, but Sirius had walked past and 'accidentally' tipped a whole flask of it into her cauldron. "Why are you so intent on ruining my life?!"

"You're pretty good at ruining lives yourself," Sirius snapped, and he glanced over at Remus. Remus gave him a look that said, 'leave her be, please.'

"What are you on about?" Lily asked, frustrated, but Sirius ignored her and went back to his potion.

Peter had never really talked to Lily anyway, and saw no need to now. He didn't feel like he had to be openly angry at her like Sirius, though he was certainly resentful. Instead, he concentrated on trying to make Remus feel better. He suggested going to the library whenever he seemed at his unhappiest, and he bought lots of chocolate by owl post for him. Remus accepted it gratefully but it never seemed to help much, which was confusing for Peter. Remus had always said that chocolate was magic food.

Remembering the phrase 'magic food' gave Peter an idea. He did a bit of research, and then enchanted a piece of chocolate to have a cheering effect on the consumer. He tried a bit of it himself and it worked immediately – he suddenly felt like he could fly on a cloud, he was so happy! He completely forgot about being 'manly' or 'cool' and actually skipped some of the way up to Gryffindor Tower, until a passing Seventh Year started laughing at him and he remembered.

Remus ate the chocolate and cheered up significantly for the rest of the afternoon, but it didn't last.

---

After a week, James came to a decision. He was sick of being so uncertain about Lily, and he was sick of Remus's depression.

"Remus," he said one day at lunchtime, "you have to confront her."

"Pardon?" Remus actually hadn't heard – Peter had been slurping his soup loudly. James glared at him. Peter put his spoon down meekly.

"You have to confront Lily," James repeated.

Remus stirred his soup, his eyes following his spoon. "Mmm?"

"You've gotta talk to her."

"About?"

James exhaled, exasperation in his breath. "About going to China," he said sarcastically. "No, about -" he lowered his voice – "you have to find out what is her problem with you."

"Mmm." Remus really, really didn't want to.

Most people would consider his 'mmm' to be one of agreement, but after nearly six years of friendship the Marauders knew each other too well. It was the kind of 'mmm' that meant 'I should but I'm not going to, and maybe if I just pretend to agree they won't force me to.'

"You _must,_" Sirius said.

Remus rubbed his forehead, his cheeks turning red. "I'd much prefer not to…" he mumbled.

"Well she won't listen to James or me," Sirius said, "she ha – er, doesn't like talking to us. Peter, well actually… Pete, would you talk to her?"

"I… I would but… I never really talk to her and she's hardly going to be open to me… and…"

"And you're terrified of her," James finished, a cheeky grin on his face.

Sirius laughed. "Do you remember the first time Lily got really angry at James? You're expression, Peter – priceless!"

Peter blushed. "Anyway," he said, quickly changing the topic back, "Remus, I really think you should talk to her. I mean… we're all going mad. You're depressed and even chocolate won't cheer you up! Sirius is being horrible to Lily and Sirius is hardly ever horrible to _anyone._ James hasn't spoken to Lily for a week and she's the love of his life, and I'm – well, I might go mad with worry for all of you."

James and Sirius laughed appreciatively, and even Remus couldn't help but grin.

"Well, I guess I'd better talk to her then," he said, his stomach knotting at the very thought, but well aware that he wouldn't be able to get out of it.

---

Remus had been putting it off for two days. Every time he saw her, he had an excuse not to talk to her. But now here she was, studying alone in the library, and although what he wanted to do most was flee, he knew that this was probably the best opportunity he would get. She was alone, he was alone, there were only a few other people in the library… he wanted to vomit.

Shaking, he approached her table, too nervous to speak. She looked up.

"Oh, hi Remus." Her voice was blank – not friendly or cruel – just… emotionless.

"Can I… talk to you… for a moment?" He felt his cheeks redden.

"Well, I'm kind of busy," Lily said, fidgeting with the corner of her parchment, "but yeah."

Remus sat on the edge of the chair opposite her and leant his elbows on the table. "What is your problem?" he said abruptly, and immediately regretted being so rude.

"Pardon?" Lily looked taken aback.

"Sorry… but ever since you found out… you've been ignoring me, and avoiding me… what's going on? Do you hate me?"

"I -" she began, but Remus caught the defensive tone and cut her off.

"Don't lie, please. I don't care what you say, but don't lie."

"I don't hate you," Lily said.

"Then do you dislike me? Are you scared of me? Do you think I don't belong at Hogwarts? For Merlin's sake, tell me!"

There was a pause, in which Lily fiddled with the corner of her parchment and Remus watched her, his heart racing.

"I honestly don't know…" Lily said.

"I'm still a person, you know. It's not like I'm about to attack you. I don't go round eating the first years, do I?" He felt more and more heat rising into his cheeks. He stopped ranting and lowered his voice. "Just because I turn into something else once a month doesn't make me less of a human."

"I know, yeah," said Lily, but she hadn't actually thought of it like that before.

What more was there to say? Remus stood up, so embarrassed he wanted to crawl into a book and die. "See you later."

After Remus had left, Lily searched the shelves for books on werewolves. They had learnt about them in Defence Against the Dark Arts last year, but only briefly, not in great depth. (Thinking back to it, she remembered that Remus had always seemed a little jumpy in those classes.) Most of the books Lily found now described werewolves as being ferocious creatures that were half mad most of the time, and deserved to be locked up in cages and forced to eat nothing but lettuce. Somehow, thinking about Remus, Lily couldn't quite believe this. There was one book that sided with the werewolves (and Lily suspected it might have actually been written by one) – it described horrible prejudice towards werewolves who, for the most part, were perfectly nice people.

Lily wandered back to Gryffindor Tower, troubled. Perhaps… perhaps she should talk to Remus. Although she felt incredibly nervous around him, it seemed like the only thing to do – she wasn't sure what to believe from those books, but Remus was a real live werewolf who could tell her the truth. And, werewolf or not, she had _never_ known Remus to lie.

---

Remus met Sirius almost immediately after leaving the library. "I've been looking for you," Sirius told him. "Where were you?"

"Library. I - I just talked to Lily…" he said, gulping.

"Finally! Well?"

"I don't think it worked. I think she still hates me."

Sirius stood open-mouthed for a few seconds. Then, "Bloody hell, that girl," Sirius fumed. "I think you should just forget about her, mate. If she's gonna be that bloody narrow-minded…"

Remus sighed. Sirius hugged him, thumping him firmly on the back.

That night, Remus waited until all the others were sound asleep, and then for the first time in years, he cried. The tears felt pathetic, but afterwards he felt, strangely, as though he could think a little more clearly. He decided he would have to try talking to Lily again. He needed her acceptance. And it wasn't just hurting him – like Peter had said, it was affecting them all.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter Five

Remus woke up early and couldn't go back to sleep. He felt wide awake, actually, and slightly claustrophobic – it seemed very stuffy in the dormitory. Gazing out the window, he decided that he wanted fresh air. _I'll go for a walk_, he decided.

When he got down to the Common Room, Lily's friends Quan and Anna were sitting at a table and appeared to be doing homework. It seemed a strange time to do homework – six a.m. – but before he could wonder about that any further Quan spoke to him.

"Morning, Remus," she said. "Where are you off to?"

"Just for a walk, outside. Need some air."

"Ok. Can you wait for two minutes? I'll get Lily."

"What?!" he yelped, but she was already off, bounding up the staircase to the girls dormitories. "Quan -" He rubbed his hands over his face. He had decided to talk to her, but that didn't mean _now_.

"Lily said she wanted to speak with you," Anna said conversationally.

"Really?" He was surprised. Then he asked sharply, "Did she say why?"

"No." she looked at him curiously. "She's been acting weird about you for weeks. Is something going on between you?"

Remus had to laugh. "No-o, nothing like that!"

Anna smiled and shrugged. "Have a seat," she said. "Lily won't be long."

"Uh-m… maybe I'll just go…"

"Well, you could, but that would be quite rude," said Anna, in a matter-of-fact tone. "I mean, she's getting up at six in the morning to speak to you. You can't go running off."

Remus sighed. "I can't argue with that," he said, and sat down.

Soon enough, he could hear faint murmurings and footsteps coming down the stairs. "Remind me why you're getting me up now?" said Lily's voice, and then Remus saw her emerge from the staircase. Lily looked from him, to Anna, to Quan. "Um, hi Remus," she acknowledged, and then looked back at Quan.

"You said you wanted to talk to him," Quan explained.

"Well," Lily said thoughtfully, "I did, but I didn't mean at six a.m."

"Too bad," Quan said, laughing.

"You're evil," said Lily, and laughed too.

When the laughter died, there was an awkward silence. It didn't last for long, though, because Remus couldn't bear it. "Well, um," he said. "I was going for a walk in the grounds. You could come, if you want."

Lily hesitated, and Remus said, "Unless… unless you think I'm going to eat you or something." He said it with a joking tone so that Anna and Quan would think nothing more of it – they even laughed, which relieved him a bit - but he could see that Lily understood.

"Alright then," she said. "Let's go."

---

"Well. This is awkward," said Remus, after they had left the Common Room and walked through several corridors in silence.

"Yes," agreed Lily.

"So. You, um, wanted to talk to me? I must say I'm surprised."

Lily's cheeks went faintly pink. "Yeah…" but she didn't say why.

"Well, I wanted to talk to you again, too, so I guess that's convenient."

"Mmm."

Remus sighed inwardly. This was going nowhere.

They walked, silent again, through several more corridors and soon left the building. Outside it was a bit foggy, but weak, watery sunlight was trickling through. It was colder than he'd expected.

"I've always thought," said Lily abruptly, and her clear voice startled Remus in the silence, "that werewolves were monsters."

"Oh," Remus said faintly. He swallowed.

Lily looked at him. "I can't imagine you as a monster."

"Uh… well, if werewolves are monsters, then I am one aren't I?" Remus shoved his hands into his pockets.

"I don't know. Are you? Are werewolves monsters?"

"No! Well… I guess I'm biased… but, uh… Perhaps in the wolf form we are, but not the rest of the time. Uh-m… yeah." Remus felt awkward and incoherent, as if he was trying to speak through a mouthful of cotton wool.

Lily nodded. There was a painfully long pause, and then she said, "I was, uh, doing some research…" She blushed. "About werewolves. Yesterday. Nearly all of the books I read described werewolves as I've always thought of them. Except one, it described the prejudice against them in the community. Um, I didn't know what to think, really."

"Oh, believe me, there's prejudice," said Remus. "After I was bitten, my parents couldn't bear to look at me for about a week. They were distraught – you'd think I'd died or something. It took them nearly a year before they realised that I was still the same person. They built this little room underground that I went in on full moon nights, so I could transform safely. They'd lock me in and then let me out in the morning. But they were only thinking about protecting other people, not me. It's pitch black in there, and there's nothing to do, so I start -" He broke off. "Sorry… I'm blabbering."

"No, go on," Lily said. He voice was filled with curiosity. Remus smiled slightly.

"Oh… okay… um, well, I start… I start attacking myself. I hate transforming at home. But don't tell anyone!" Suddenly he was anxious. "Lily, this is just between you and me, right? This whole conversation."

"Yeah, of course! Don't worry!"

"Cool, thanks."

"So, where do you go when you transform at school, then?" asked Lily.

Remus winced. "Uh-m. I think it'd be better if I didn't tell you; sorry… the last time anyone found out it kind of ended in disaster. I'm really sorry."

"Nah, that's fine." A short pause. "When did you become a werewolf?"

"When I was a little kid. I thought the wolf was a dog, and I went to pet it."

"Oh, that's terrible!" Lily exclaimed.

"My own fault, really…" mumbled Remus.

"No, you couldn't have known!" she insisted, and he shrugged. "How many people know?" she asked then.

"Not many people… Peter, Sirius and James. The teachers, of course. Snape… and you."

"Snape?!" Lily was stunned. "Snape's the last person I'd expect to know!"

"He – er – found out. An accident," Remus said uncomfortably.

"Oh."

Another excruciating pause and Remus's mind went blank of things to say. He noticed his surroundings for the first time. They had wandered down to the lake and were now walking along the edge. The fog was lifting and he could now make out the shapes of the trees on the other side.

Lily broke the silence once more. "What happens when you transform? If you don't mind me asking."

"Not at all… but what do you mean? Um, I'm human and then I transform into wolf. But I think you'd know that already."

"Yeah, I mean… well… I dunno what I mean. Well… what's it like when you transform? Does it – does it hurt?"

Remus watched his feet. Heel down, then flat, then heel up, then lift. They were walking along a faint track, so the ground was dirt with leaves trodden into it. He took five steps before he answered.

"Yes," he said quietly. Heel down, then flat, then heel up, then lift. "It's bizarre," he continued, "because everything has to change shape. All of your bones ache; your skin stings. And your organs have to change as well, and sometimes it can go a bit wrong. Once when I was transforming, I forgot to breathe, and somehow it meant that my lungs didn't move as quickly as they should have, and they got injured by my bones or something, I don't remember how. Madam Pomfrey fixed it up pretty quickly, but I spent the whole night in agony."

"Oh Merlin…"

Remus shrugged, embarrassed, and surprised at himself for talking so much. "Shall we go back? I'm cold."

"Okay."

They walked in silence again, but this time, Remus mused, it wasn't quite so excruciating. "So…" he said, uncertainly. "Am I a monster?"

Lily sighed. "Remus, I am _so_ sorry."

"For what?"

"For treating you like I did. I shouldn't have – Merlin, I was so naïve! I can't believe I – well, I'm sorry."

"It's fine," said Remus, smiling. "You didn't know."

"Even so. I feel terrible," insisted Lily, and she took his hand. "Who would have thought: holding hands with a werewolf?!" They laughed, and Lily squeezed his hand.

---

Remus went back to the dormitory and flopped, staring at the ceiling, and he felt like – well, he felt that same elated feeling that he had when he found out the other Marauders didn't care about his condition. He wanted to sing.

"Moony?" Sirius must have woken up when Remus came in. "What were you doing out this early?"

"Talking to Lily," said Remus.

"Why were you talking to Lily this early in the morning?" Sirius was still half asleep, Remus figured. "… Wait." Sirius said, suddenly remembering. "You were talking to Lily?! Well, what did she say?" he demanded.

Remus just grinned and Sirius understood immediately. "YES!" he shouted.

James groaned, staggered out of bed and launched himself at him.

The End

A/N: Thanks so much for reading, and for the reviews, and I hope you enjoyed it!

P.S. _"When I was a little kid. I thought the wolf was a dog, and I went to pet it."_

I'm not sure if this is canon or not. Originally I thought it was, but I'm wondering if perhaps it's actually from The Shoebox Project over on Livejournal, or from some other brilliant fic that I get confused with canon. Either way, the idea isn't mine.


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